A Message From A Man

[Cass Hoban]

No, not a message or resignation or anything of that sort, let me get that out of the way immediately. Just some things I'd like to speak of, some things I feel need to be said.

People have taken issue with my policies and how I deal with things as a moderator, how I perceive and follow the rules. Too strict? I think that might be the gist of the things people say or see. Keep in mind what I'm doing with my life. To those who don't know, law enforcement. Take a guess at why I handle the rules the way I do. It's the way I'm supposed to be handling laws, so it's translated to the handling of rules. I apologize for that, but it's not something I can switch on and off.

If I act like an ass or anything, I'm sorry. Laws, the Department of Justice, everything. It's stressful and can really get to a person. It's something that will dictate my future, how I perform in DOJ tests and simulations. Combining that with classroom knowledge that isn't as important to the DOJ, but is still important, and it's not great.

There's one thing that only a few of you would know as well. I've a case of fatalism. I have a firm belief that by around the age twenty six (nineteen as I write this, nearing twenty), I'll be dead. That I'd die on the job, and that scares me, it gets to me, especially during this past summer, during all of our training, and during any simulations. I have such a feeling that I'm only going to last another seven or so years that it really affects me, pretty strongly during simulation week and the like.

This is an escape for me, a source of enjoyment. And I'm sure it's the same for the rest of you. I'm very sorry if I hinder that, but it's my training. I do my best to give discretion instead of the letter of the law, as it were.

I don't want conflict, I don't want anger. I want things to be normal, I really do. Reply or not, this is here as my words, and something I've chosen to share that I haven't actually shared with my real life friends.

I'm not lying, I'm not being deceitful, I've spoken the truth, I've spoken honest words.

[McKenzie Williams]

A continuation on a point I missed.

L'homme c'est rien l'oeuvre c'est tout. That is a phrase that used to have a lot of meaning to me. It means 'The man is nothing, the work is all'. Like I said, that phrase once meant more to me. I used to have that belief, that work, the future. That that was important, more important than my friends, really.

No. That's not right. I've come past that, but it still plagues me at times. Maybe it's because of how the job market for law enforcement is, and that I have to put my work into it. I can't be bound by people, by my peers, even my friends among my peers. The work should be almost everything in this case, and maybe it bleeds over. I'd be willing to guess that it does. It's an old habit of thought, it's a way that I use to try to get farther in my life to follow the dreams I have, the desires I have to be there for and help people. But right now, it might only be hurting people, and for that I apologize.

I'm human. We're all humans, are we not? We all make mistakes, cause sins. And here I am, owning up and explaining mine.